This post has been a long time coming. Maybe too long. I am going to say it out loud that I am suffering. Yes, in Buddhism we are all suffering but my suffering is of a medical nature now. I am suffering from chronic depression.
I have had bouts of depression all through my life which now means it is labeled as ‘chronic’. This is why I haven’t written in this blog for a long time, as I have had too much on my mind. With a divorce, stresses of life, raising two kids, losing my father last year. One mind can only take so much stress. I have been back and forth to Drs and hospitals now to try to get the right meds and to be honest I am still not 100% sure if I am on the right ones now. They are helping but I think I still need to discuss certain points with my Dr like the up and down I get. I was doing some research on Bipolarism and I could very well fit into the Bipolar II spectrum.
Does meditation help? I am sure it would but in my experience of meditation I should not be practicing zazen right now as my mind is not in a good place for me to be analyzing my deepest thoughts.
I never done the Tricycle Big Sit because of the troubles I have had over the first half of this year. But I am beginning to settle into a routine now. I bought some wonderful incense and a burning bottle from Anna’s Incense (there is also a .com in the US). Just to side track for a minute the bottle I bought was the Sine Wave, its awesome. I can highly recommend them to anyone. The 11" sticks do indeed burn for over an hour.
So I am burning incense now and trying to sit zazen of late but with little success. My mind is...monkey mind of late.
Its an interesting subject as the Precepts tell us not to take drugs. Even before all this I understood this as recreational drugs. My reasoning is that there must be diabetic Buddhists who need insulin, and then there are those with life long illnesses like Cancer that would need drugs to help alleviate their suffering. So for mental illness I think it is OK to take anti-depressants. I am sure people have taken them for longer than we realise in the form of maybe crushed St Johns Wort. It is a natural plant based substance that is known to have healing properties, especially in depression. I mean every Anti-depressant says not to take St Johns Wort whilst on this medication.
But, anti-depressants surely do change the brain chemistry so could it be seen as an intoxicant?
The answer to this is no.
I think it is exactly the opposite of an intoxicant. If someone of level mind drank alcohol then that would certainly impair their judgement. This is a known fact of course else there would be no laws about drinking and driving.
Now the way I see it is that being in a state of depression is the same as being drunk in this context and the anti-depressants 'sober you up'.
Let me give an example, if someone is in such a state of depression whereby the only logical thing is to commit suicide then that is suffering, that is not the clear thoughts of a mentally stable person. The anti-depressants would help give that person the clarity of mind. To give them clearer sight through their minds eye.
Its like the Matrix, take the blue or red pill. One leads to more suffering, the other to enlightenment.
So yes, I am on medications for depression. I am not afraid to admit that and like my friend over at The Buddhist Blog I too want to be open about this and will gladly talk about this with anyone.
I don't think I could have put it any better than the post in Daily Buddhism: You cannot meditate and reach Enlightenment when you are too drunk to sit up straight. On the other hand, you cannot meditate and reach enlightenment if your depression keeps you from caring one way or the other.
You cannot walk the path to enlightenment when you are too depressed to stand up.
I read something on Wiki today (yeah, I know that's about as trustworthy as a tea bag condom) but it made me think. It was relating to Spiritual Use of Cannabis.
I have never heard of Buddhists using Cannabis and I thought it would fall under the Intoxicants section of the Precepts. But I think, if it is true, there is food for thought, I mean it is a plant, it is organic.
I currently do not use Cannabis. I know there are cultures and religions that do use it for spiritual and religious needs, like the Rastafari movement.
Does anyone know anything about this I wonder, if it is true that Buddhists do use Cannabis?
As it, erm, stimulates the mind, so to speak, I wonder how it would affect meditation. People who use cannabis have described the feelings as being 'closer to god'. So if it "mind opening" chemical was used during meditation I wonder how it is perceived by Buddhists.
EDIT: Found this link where people are trying to argue and justify cannabis use in meditation
Well, its been a while hasn't it. Over the last few months I've been dealing with a lot which I have to write about, and I have started, it just not ready yet.
But for now I have to write about the mala I ordered from Destination Om. The ordering process is exactly how it specifies. I emailed them with a link to a mala I liked. I wrote about what I would like instead of certain aspects of the picture. He made me a mala and sent pictures. No money changed hands until I confirmed it was what I like...and I loved it. When it came it was more beutiful than the pic. I am extremely pleased with the service and the product so I highly recommend them to anyone. Here are the pics I was sent to confirm I liked it.
The darker beads are Lotus Seeds, the light circular ones are chinese lotus seeds. And off the Guru Bead is Aum Mani Padme Hum.
A week or so ago I had taken Jack and Kira to the zoo. At one point jack ran over to me and put his hand in my pocket. I thought he was trying to get at something but did not find out at the time what it was.
So that evening I emptied my pockets of my jeans and a pebble fell out. Small, about the size of a little finger nail and smooth. I don’t know why but I kept it. I put it on the shelf in my bedroom.
I have been reading Anger by Thich Nhat Hahn and came to the following passage on Mondays reading time: Some of us keep a pebble in our pocket, a beautiful pebble we picked up in the front yard. We washed it very carefully and always carry it with us. Every time we put our hands in our pocket, we touch the small pebble, and hold it gently. We practice mindful breathing and we feel very peaceful. When anger arises, the pebble becomes the dharma. It reminds us of our three sentences. Just holding the pebble, breathing in and out calmly and smiling, can help you tremendously. It sounds a little bit childish, but this practice is very useful. When you are in school, at work, or out shopping, you have no reminders to bring you back to yourself so the little pebble in your pocket serves as your teacher, as your fellow practitioner-it is a bell of mindfulness, allowing you to pause and return to your breathing. Many people invoke the name of Jesus or Buddha Amitabha with a rosary. The pebble is a kind of rosary, a reminder that your teacher is always with you, your dharma brothers and sisters are always with you. It will help you to go back to your breathing, allow love to be born in you, and keep that love in you alive. It can help keep enlightenment alive in you.
Now, when I am getting stressed I try to say to Jack or Kira ‘Stop that, do you want Daddy to get angry?’
I know how I am interpreting this. Thank you Jack for your message. And maybe for the universe for sending this message to me.
So, I am one of the few who have watched the movie/documentary Earthlings [Be warned, if you go to the site and watch the trailer you will see graphic images of reality].
It makes me sick to my stomach that humankind can be so heartless, so cruel.
The animals need a voice, and that voice in this case is that of Joaquin Phoenix. This movie is disgusting in the true sense of the word, you will see things that will hopefully disgust you to a point where you would consider vegetarianism.
When you go to the supermarket do not look at the meat on the shelves, look at the death, the suffering that was incurred to get that meat. Imagine you have been strapped into a machine, had your throat slit and then dumped out into a bloody pit to bleed to death screaming from anguish and pain.
Need I say any more than this: 17. Anger Let go of anger. Let go of pride. When you are bound by nothing You go beyond sorrow. Anger is like a chariot careering wildly. He who curbs his anger is the true charioteer. Others merely hold the reins. With gentleness overcome anger. With generosity overcome meanness. With truth overcome deceit. Speak the truth. Give whenever you can, Never be angry. These three steps will lead you Into the presence of the gods. The wise harm no one. They are masters of their bodies And they go to the boundless country. They go beyond sorrow. Those who seek perfection Keep watch day and night Till all desires vanish. Listen, Atula. This is not new, It is an old saying - "They blame you for being silent, They blame you when you talk too much And when you talk too little." Whatever you do, they blame you. The world always finds A way to praise and a way to blame. It always has and it always will. But who dares blame the man Whom the wise continually praise, Whose life is virtuous and wise, Who shines like a coin of pure gold? Even the gods praise him. Even Brahma praises him. Beware of the anger of the body. Master the body. Let it serve truth. Beware of the anger of the mouth. Master your words. Let them serve truth. Beware of the anger of the mind. Master your thoughts. Let them serve truth. The wise have mastered Body, word and mind. They are the true masters.
I am currently in quite a stressful point in my life. I am in the process of separating and getting a divorce.
The emotions I am feeling are confusing and new to me so I have tried looking in the dharma for inspiration. I stumbled upon this tale from the Jatakamala and I read it. I read it again, and then again.
To me this tale is about feeling the evil in suffering and destroying what is good in life to make one feel alive. I have had 'friends' in my life time who would rather bring another person down than live in the happiness of their own virtue. Recently I was guilty of doing exactly that. I let emotion and anger take control of me.
Whatever the consequences of this action is I have to live with that, I will have to see if I am to receive karma's gentle kiss of forgiveness, or if karma will give me a lesson to learn.
I have grown from this experience in that I have learned a valuable lesson that anger and emotion are welcome and valid feelings but like a wild beast can turn on me.
One thing I have learnt of late is about expectation. I wonder if there is anything in the dharma about expectation as this is definitely a path to suffering. Expectation is not zen. It is fantasy. It is not now. It may never be now.
What is now for me is suffering, I am swimming in the oceans of samsara and hypnotised by it's false beauty. I am bathing in the sun on its beach. I am entertained by its High Def big screen TV.
I know this, I see it, I just need to learn how to get out of the water, dry myself off and look at what is now. I need to realise that there is no self so I cannot actually be doing these things.
So what is 'now', what is zen?
Its clicking the button that says Publish Post! ;)
The Bodhisattva was once born a prince in a royal family of Kauvaras. Known for his beauty, virtue, and learning, he was well liked and respected among the people of the kingdom.
One spring day, while the prince was in one of his family's pleasure gardens waiting to meet with a great poet, he was informed that the man-eater Kalshapada was on his way to eat him. Kalmashapada was said to have once been a prince himself, conceived by a king and a lion. It was said that Kalmashapada was a good prince up until he took one taste of human flesh. Upon his first taste of blood he became badly addicted, casting away virtue and his royal rank, condemned to a life of murder and cannibalism. When local townspeople were about to put the man-eater to death, he made a deal with demons that if they could free him, he would sacrifice one hundred princes to them. He was now on his way to take the Bodhisattva and add him to his collection of abducted royalty.
The Bodhisattva told his guards to let Kalmashapada enter. When the man-eater approached, the Bodhisattva did not flee. He confronted the cannibal and convinced him to let him meet with the great poet he had invited to the capitol first, and then he would return to be eaten. Kalmashapada was skeptical but let him go. The bodhisattva paid the poet well for his work and set off the return to Kalmashapada. When he returned, the man-eater was impressed that he kept his word and his esteem for the bodhisattva grew. The virtuous prince spoke of the beautiful verses he had just heard. Kalmashapada was intrigued and wanted the Bodhisattva to recite the poems for him, but he replied that a murderous cannibal would not be able to understand the beauty of such work. Kalmashapada was upset, but the prince continued to reason with him. His words touched Kalmashapada deeply, and he convinced him to stop eating flesh and work to regain his virtue. Kalmashapada agreed and set the princes he was holding captive free.
Thats the date set by the Tricycle team to start The Big Sit. They have published the details of the challenge: • Sit in formal meditation for 20 minutes each day. • Listen to one dharma talk each week on tricycle.com. • Study Dogen’s Genjokoan, the text selected for the period. • Commit to the sixteen bodhisattva precepts. • Practice with others at tricycle.com or at a local meditation center. • Begin when you like. Tricycle’s staff will begin February 23.
You can join the community set up on the Tricycle web site or alternatively if you want a smaller group experience then feel free to join the Tribe that has been set up for the purposes of the Big Sit.
It was around the year 2000 and I was in a phase of looking for myself and was trying out all sorts of things. I tried doing the PADI Scuba course and passed it all but never actually went diving, it just wasn't right for me. But during the course I was in a swimming pool and part of the task in hand was to float for five minutes. Like all newbies of course I was 'trying' to float and not just floating.
Writing that now reminds me of the Matrix, Lawrence Fishburne says to Keanu Reeves "stop trying to hit me, and hit me". I suppsoe now thinking about it this makes sense to me.
I kept 'trying to float and my feet would dip down and I'd sink and struggle to get composure again. After a few times my arms gave up and I sank to the bottom. One of the other students dived in and pulled me up again.
Why am I telling you this?
This is Zen, this is now. Stop trying to live now and LIVE NOW!
So, for the second time within 6 months the Dalai Lama has had to make a hospital visit. And we are not talking about spreading the dharma to patients.
In Aug of 2008 he was hospitalised for exhaustion and "abdominal pain". Now today we read that he was once again in hospital after complaining of discomfort.
Being an animal lover (and the fact I have two little kids) I paid for an annual pass to Calgary Zoo last summer. Part of being an annual pass holder means I get their quarterly news letter. In general I never bother watching the news as I feel it is edited and never really tells the truth and over dramatizes some things.
I remembered a year ago that Calgary Zoo was proud when their Asian Elephant gave birth.
Today I read in their news letter that Malti, the calf, died in November from a herpesvirus.
Understanding The Mind by Ven. Thich Nhat Hahn is one of the best Buddhist psychology books I have ever read. I have only read a few books by Thich Nhat Hahn but I would definitely recommend this book to anyone. It is not really a beginners book, I would say it is aimed more for that transition from beginner to intermediate understanding of Buddhism.
Its amazing, I read the first few chapters and after a day or so of thinking about what I had read I could almost feel my mind physically opening. Thay is saying in this book that we are all enlightened, we all have a Buddha nature. He justifies this as such.
Imagine your mind as if it were a garden. It has been sewn with seeds of happiness, seeds of sadness. Seeds of anger, seeds of calm. We have the ability to control our lives by watering the garden. If you water the seeds of happiness then happiness grows. The seeds of enlightenment are within us, all we have to do is water them. But the catch is that weeds can still grow, it is a garden after all. Once those wonderful blooms start growing, their sweet scent fills your senses with wonders beyond your dreams. STAY AWAKE. Do not lose your thought. Weeds are still trying to grow.
The journey towards enlightenment is analogous to a runner. The runner knows there is a finish line that they will eventually arrive at. Knowing it exists does not mean they are there. And even once the runner does finally get to the finish line there is still yet another race in another city.
I believe now that the Siddhartha was already enlightened. His Buddha nature was growing when he travelled outside of his palace home. His Buddha nature was growing whilst he tried the ascetic way of life. For everything he tried his Buddha nature grew. At the beginning it was not the right thing or the wrong thing, it was leading him on a path to Nirvana. I now think this is a great story, that without trying things in life you can never gain. If you don't try something you will not know if it is right for you or not. I believe some of those ascetics found their Buddha nature in what they did as for them they found the right path for them.
We are all individual, our paths may cross but will not be the same, not for the entire journey anyway.
Water the flowers of happiness and keep weeding. Remember that your path is exactly that...you're path. Have faith it is the right path and eventually you will reach your destination. No matter how many weeds start to grow, know that they can be removed and the flowers are always there, you just have to look deep into the weeds sometimes, but they are there.
I have chosen my path so now to work at it. I went into the basement on Sunday night and picked up one of the best books I've read by Thich Nhat Hahn. Not to say he does not write awesome books but I only have a couple by him and this one is the better of the two. It is called Understanding the Mind, but more on my thoughts on this book later, I have written notes for a post to make on this later today or tomorrow.
So one key thing about being a Zen Buddhist is zazen which roughly translates to sitting meditation. I was concerned about doing it at first as some web sites say you have to be in lotus, or half lotus to do this. I have always aspired to get into a full lotus but have never been able to comfortably. A half lotus is doable but not for too long as over a decade ago I had a bit of a tumble from mountain biking whilst traveling at 30mph downhill and sort of stopped going downhill suddenly by crashing. My knees are not useless but when I do yoga some poses causes quite a bit of discomfort and my knees lock up and crack loose again.
So I was looking online and I found this wonderful video clip on zazen. It is short, informative and part two had me laughing out loud. Anyone who is interested in meditation and wants to see a very good and light hearted approach should check this video out.
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